3 months later

I'm finding most days really difficult to cope with right now - I still adore my boys and fiance, no worries there, but I'm finding I barely have any time for myself. The boys are in a bedtime routine now so I get on average 1 and a half hours per evening and by then I'm knackered. I have been feeling very angry recently and haven't had a whole nights sleep yet. Still breastfeeding Alex, who is smiling all the time now, have had re-occuring thrush as a result of 3 courses of antibiotics - infection, thrush, abscess 'down there' (couldn't sit down for days and then it burst - not nice), mastitis and chest infection. One thing after another, totally pissed off with it. I'm going to see the doctor tomorrow to try and sort my head out. Oh, and I need a haircut and generally look like shit. 

3 weeks later

Jeffy was 2 years old last week so we bought him an enormous wooden train set and took him for a ride on a steam train. What a brilliant day he had! We set the train set up the night before in the kitchen, he walked in, announced "STEAM TRAIN" sat down and started playing straight away. It was a bit difficult to tear him away from it to open his other toys and I can say that he got spoilt yet again by friends and family. Saying that, he has been a wonderful big brother so he well deserved all the attention he got for the day. 

Alexander is still a godsend of a baby - very quiet and it seems he is thinking when he looks around. I've managed to coax a heartwarming smile by singing "good morning, good morning, sun shines around you dear, good morning, good morning to you" and then rubbing his nose - his face lit up! I just really want to remember every little thing about how my 2 sons are now - I know time has a habit of going so quickly, I can barely believe it's been 2 years since Jeff was born. 

I've been a little bit teary for the last few days - been thinking about my Nan, how she would have loved to have met Alex. Fortunately she had the chance to meet Jeff when he was first born and remember him before she went really downhill. She even asked my Dad to buy Jeff a coat one day, so she must have been thinking about him. She loved Jeff, and we all loved her so dearly, she was simply a beautiful woman. I miss her.

I know it will go but right now I really don't want to return to work. I know it's not until April that I have to return but I got the creeping feeling of dread yesterday afternoon. I'm just loving right now so much I don't want it to end. I'm sure it's my hormones, I seem to be up and down like a yo-yo, but I'm so in love with both my children I can't imagine feeling any other way. And the thought of sending them to nursery breaks my heart! 

Chris and I have started a diet today called the Jacket Potato diet - it's my own diet and I lost weight from it years ago, I went from a size 16 to a 10 and god knows I could do with losing a bit of bulge right now so I'm changing the way I eat. I feel ravenous most of the time though, breastfeeding takes up a lot of calories so hopefully it'll start shifting sooner rather than later. 

Jeff took the dog out for his first walk this morning - he held the lead, played "give us yer stick" on the green and gave Bob a bit of chocolate as well. It was a really great walk! 

Got to go, it's time for lunch!

Alexander

I'm proud to say that I am now the mum of two very handsome boys, and couldn't be happier. Alexander was born Tues morning at 2.35am, weighing in at a very respectable 6lb 12 and a half oz. He looks a lot like his brother and I must say that I am totally smitten with him. He's really good, and reminds me of a little monkey. His hair feels so soft, he's got a boney little bum and really big feet. I love the little noises he makes, just can't believe how lucky I am to have the family I have. Jeff has been a little apprehensive, but on the 2nd day in hospital he walked straight up to Alex and gave him a big kiss. I knew that Jeff would be a wonderful big brother and he proved me right. Alex is only 6 days old but Jeff is talking about him and saying hello to him all the time. Alex has also been shown Jeff's train, he followed it with his eyes. 

This time last week there were only 3 of us. I was taken straight into labour ward and wasn't induced until 1.30pm. I started having contractions at 3pm and gave the midwives a hard time, convinced my uterus was spasming when it wasn't, and what I was experiencing was normal contractions. I had my clexane at 7.30 and then thought my waters had broken at 8pm when it was actually a blood loss. I was taken straight down to labour and was immediately given gas and air, I gave some to Chris and he said he was surprised by the high it gave him. We were both giggling like a couple of hippies and the midwife didn't quite know what to make of it! I was then given pethadine which sent me into heavy sleep for literally a minute until the next contraction came, then 'd wake up, groan and then go back to sleep. 

It was painful, the midwife helped my cervix dilate along the way and was wonderful to me. I don't think I'd have got better care anywhere else. 

I had to stay in hospital for a few days and was surprised that the afterpains were so strong, and that my milks kicking in would send me into such a state but again, they took great care of me and for that I will be eternally grateful.

Life back at the ranch is trying to get into a routine of normalness. We're all getting to know Alex, and we all love him. Having a baby is overwhelming. Having 2 beautiful boys is a blessing. Having 2 beautiful boys and a fiance I can trust with my life with goes beyond words.  

28.7.07

The midwife came round this morning and attempted a sweep but it was painful and didn't work. We spoke about what is likely to happen on Monday - apparently things down there are nowhere near ready to go, she said there is no chance I will go into labour before Monday. One step at a time on Monday then, they'll probably start me off on the drip to loosen things up and then may attempt to break my waters. She did warn me that it is going to be horrible. I told Chris who wasn't very happy with what she said to me, but the thing is that I'm glad she was honest - at least if I go in expecting the worst then if things are easier then it's good. I'm not expecting it to be pain free, as they don't call it labour for nothing! But once that tiny baby is born then the worst bit is over (I've learnt from last time) and I get to have a cuddle with this little person! I'm really looking forward to meeting our new son / daughter, it's exciting - and I think Jeff understands that we will have a new baby in the house. Well, the new baby has already bought Jeff a new toy, I think they'll get on famously.
I've been making sure the house is ready for next week, kind of getting on top of the housework so that Chris can enjoy his time with us as well. The freezer is stocked up, the moses basket is ready, everything we will need is ready to go. When we bought Jeff home for the first time it was all quite a shock - I don't think either of us were prepared to become parents. Poor Chris didn't realise I was going to be so ill either, so he had 2 of us to look after on his own in a tiny cramped house with barely enough room to swing a cat. I couldn't do anything - and the baby blues didn't help either. This time will be different, I really want for Chris to be able to relax a little more. Plus we've got Grandad living downstairs who will be helping us all.
These last few days have been very enjoyable - I went and collected Mum Yesterday morning and we took Jeff to see Thomas the Tank Engine - we had 2 rides on the train and little Jeff nearly burst a blood vessel when he saw Thomas. The hooley he blew when we left was out of this world! I dropped Mum back home and then went and picked up Dad and we went back for another ride on the train! Jeff got a Thomas flag, a mug and a little toy train and was thoroughly spoilt. Everyone had a lovely time, I couldn't ask for anything more. Chris got to have some chilled out time with a beer and the x-box. Yes, Yesterday was a lovely day.
Today we (Chris, Jeff and myself) went to the beach (after the midwife had gone). Jeff was playing up a bit but it turned out he was hungry and tired. After his nap we went to the park and spent over an hour on the swings and slide. Then it was back home for beans on toast, apple and blackberry crumble and custard. We went and got a bottle of red for tonight, just to kick back and watch a film. I'll probably fall asleep before the end, I always do - and I'm trying to get as much sleep in now as I can because I know what lays ahead of us now.
I think it will be great being a family of four- Jeff at last will have a companion, another Leo in the house to play with. Even though I don't really get on with my Sister I am happy that I didn't grow up as an only child like one of my best friends did. What good is summer if you can't share a water fight? How much fun is rolling down a hill on your own? Or even making up tag games in the playground, or re-enacting stories you've both read - it's your turn to be the grasshopper!
Blimey, I've got a film to watch and a glass of red to drink! I guess my next post will be when I am a mother of two. Wish me luck!

26.7.07

Got a sharp telling off from the midwife today - stupidly, last night, I looked into synthetic hormones used in inducing labour. What I found on the internet said that most women are offered epidurals before having them as the pain is very strong, plus you are also at risk of the uterus going into overdrive, which was what happened to me the last time. Last night my heart sank when I read this, as you can imagine - or probably not, as I also had 3 epidurals last time and none of them worked one little bit.
I thought about all of this last night and thought, why not ask for a sweep? It does no harm, as long as they can do it (they couldn't last time!!!) and it may get things going without having to go through an unnatural process. Anyway, I told all of this to the midwife and the attitude was "Come on, pull yourself together! It's rubbish that the pain is worse, it can be fully controlled". I think the midwife must know me quite well because it was just the kick in the arse I needed - it's not worth dwelling on the past, just get on with it. Obviously last time it didnt help that I was climbing the walls having contractions every minute because my uterus was spasming, that I actually cried (! - grown woman of 31 yrs at the time) when they did an internal examination, that I had to argue very strongly to get pethadine (wonderful stuff) to get any sleep that night and that my son was born covered in poo. I tore from one end to the other, the bruising was so severe that the midwife was still pulling stitches out 3 weeks later, I was so weak that I couldn't carry my son for a long time as I had severe pains travelling around my chest and then I developed DVT when I was incorrectly advised to come off the anti-coagulants I had been taking throughout my pregnancy. Funny, writing about it also helps.
I can distinctly remember waiting for the induction date to arrive the last time. I had spent most days sitting on my swinging chair in the sunshine, watching apples fall off the trees in the neighbours fruit orchard. I remember thinking ' that's how it should be - when it's ripe, nature should take it's course'. I hate induction - no, I shouldn't use the word hate- it's a powerful negative word. I intensly dislike induction. But some babies just don't want to budge, and it seems that neither of mine wanted out.
So, anyway, back to now. The midwife is coming round on Saturday, keep fingers crossed that it starts things off. And tomorrow I'm going out with my Mum and with Jeff - Thomas the tank engine is in town and Jeff is Thomas's number 1 fan, so I thought it a good idea to go. Spending quality time with Mum is rare so I'm going to prepare us a nice picnic and enjoy the sunshine that's predicted for tomorrow.

24.07.07

Being induced on Monday - spoke to the consultant and they've booked me in. Baby's fine, fluid around it has gone up so I didn't have to be induced today - I feel so much better, before I was full as anxiety but they've explained that they're going to induce me a different way than before so I feel less nervous. Still, let's hope the baby arrives before Monday anyway. I've had 3 cups of raspberry leaf tea today as a last attempt.

I found some old letters from Chris Yesterday, one of them dating back to 2002 where he was already thinking about us having children. We've been together 7 years now - and he still surprises me and makes me laugh. He's utterly brilliant with Jeff, fatherhood really suits him. Tonight we were swinging Jeff around by his legs down on the green, Jeff loved every second of it, and so did Chris and so did I! Quality relaxed playful times, this is what life is for. We don't have a lot of quality 'us' time any more, it's literally a few minutes grabbed here and there - no social life to speak of but I know that will come back to us in time. For now it's quiet time until sleepless nights kick in again!

23.7.07

Still no baby and just over a week to go. 

The brain cells left me this morning, I think they went for a float above the clouds for a while. On my way home from the garage this morning I decided I'd pop into the shops to pick up a couple of bits. I've got one of these permits that allows me to park in any council car park, and they give you a little cardboard clock to show the time you arrived. Anyway, I swung the car into the car park and noticed I'd driven over a marked parking bay. Brilliant, I thought, and reversed into it. Picked up the purse and the overstuffed handbag, got out of the car, locked the door and walked away not thinking of anything at all. Got to the checkout at Woolworths where I was greeted by the strangest checkout operator who crossed her fingers in the shape of the cross, as though I were the anti-christ. Nice. Then she starts to make polite conversation about the weather and commenting on what I've bought and asking me questions about the baby. Non-plussed I responded politely but was still a bit stunned by the sign of the crossed so I let my mind wonder off whilst talking to her - the cardboard clock, damn, I hadn't changed the time on it, and knowing what the traffic wardens are like here at this time of year I decided I'd go straight back and get it changed. 

I got into the car park and saw the warden looking at other cars. Making my way to the car I spotted the yellow and black plastic attached to the window and my heart sank. Well, he could be reasonable and have pity on me, I thought, so I took it off the screen and shouted "EXCUSE ME" and started waddling towards him looking pathetic and feather-brained. "I'm so sorry, I forgot to change the time on the clock" I said to him, holding out the ticket in front of me. "I didn't give you the ticket for the clock" he said "You've parked in a disabled bay". What? I whizzed around and saw he was quite right, there on the concrete beneath the bumper was written DISABLED. "That's an automatic ticket if you fail to display a disabled badge" he said and then almost vanished amidst a sea of waiting cars. 

Oh well, I'm £30 lighter in the pocket now but have learnt a valuable lesson. 

And the car did said through it's MOT test this morning, so I guess I can't grumble. 

Please let it be born today!!!!!

21.7.07

38 and 1/2 weeks pregnant with angel number 2. When will it arrive? I can't get it out of my mind for what feels like more than 2 minutes, although I know I gave some serious consideration earlier to sausage and buttered mash with carrots, green beans and onions drizzled with balsamic vinegar.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a heffer with this one - not like my first, whereupon I felt like a beached whale. No, this is a compact bump and I'm still active, the summer has been kind to me unlike 2 years ago where my feet blended into my legs and my ankles virtually disappeared for 2 months. My hopes are that angel number 2 is blessed with a similar nature to that of my first, sweet Jeffy. Jeff has been to 2 scans to see the new baby, he rubs my tummy and says "baby" but also does the same to Daddy which I'm sure offends poor Daddy.

3 days ago I was convinced I was going into labour. I had the aches, the tightenings and the loss of sense of humour, the painful cramps - everything that spelled out labour to me. False alarm though, how disappointing. I even alerted the next door neighbours in case I needed a lift to the hospital in the early hours, I was that convinced. Next morning I woke up and still had the pains, now they've completely gone. I really don't want to be induced again, I've tried everything; sex, pineapple, blazing hot curry, bumpy road, hoki (I think it's called hoki - when you press down on the pressure point under the bone of your index finger along the webbing between thumb and index finger), meditation - what else is there? Mum said some words of comfort which were that maybe I am trying too hard. Midwives tell you that the baby will arrive when it is ready.

Sat on the beach 2 days ago I had the realisation that everyone I saw had mums who all went through similar experiences- some of them would have been early, some late, some by cesarian, I'm sure some didn't make it to the hospital in time, but all of these people I saw before me were all here, all enjoying themselves in the warm weather. It made me realise that everything is going to be alright. I wish I could think of that all the time, but my mind is racing with so many thoughts that I find it difficult to calm myself into a rational state. What is rational, anyway?

For now, making dinner will keep me occupied. I've also got to carve up that watermelon Dad gave me 3 days ago........